you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
