You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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