allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
