sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
