The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
