So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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