He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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