Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
