absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
