I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We are two peas in an std pod
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
