i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
