you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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