Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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