You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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