Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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