Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
