I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
