I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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