Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
