Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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