just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize