Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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