When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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