I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
