So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
