I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
