Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
