I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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