There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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