I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
