dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
