So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
