I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Bring me that man meat
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
