Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize