Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just cut my nipple shaving
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
