Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
