I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
