My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
