It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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