I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
