i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
