You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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