I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
