It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
