He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
