Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish I only lived at night.
false alarm. still invincible.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
