I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i drank out of a bidet.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
