Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
