i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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