I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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