mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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