I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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