I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
