after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
