I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
