I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
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He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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