Ambien. No doubt about it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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