Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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