I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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