I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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