no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
