she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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